"The Art Of Gathering" by Priya Parker
Apr. 3rd, 2022 10:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nemorathwaldI recommend the book "The Art Of Gathering" by Priya Parker, about organizing parties, book clubs, conferences, dinners, festivals, or any other gathering. Here are some highlights. Any mischaracterizations are my own over-simplification. For the sake of concision, my summary may convey the impression she does not argue these points. But she does so, convincingly.
If you have a clear idea of a special purpose for coming together, you can create a separate world with temporary rules that serve that purpose. The best thing you can do to help each bit of planning is to choose a purpose that is specific enough.
If you find you're not willing to change any decisions to fit that purpose, it was not your real purpose; the organizers were just trying to flatter each other. Which is nice, but whatever won out is your real purpose, so cross off the first one and write down that one. Example: An annual book festival said their purpose was "bring together the community." "Okay, before each panel, have the authors read a prompt to the audience about the topic. Each audience member will talk to the person sitting next to them about the prompt for five minutes." "No, the authors wouldn't like that." "Okay, then the authors are your real purpose. Which is enough; no need to inflate it with pomposity."
Another clue that your purpose is not specific enough, is when everyone is equally suited to attend it. Only include people who are needed for the specific thing the gathering will accomplish. It's crucial to keep people out who sap the energy from the specific plan. You can design plenty of other gatherings suitable to invite them to, for which they would not be a third wheel. Example: Some college friends in the seventies had an annual trip to the bay. One of them asked if he could invite a plus-one. Then a few of them said, "hey, you don't know this, but this is the only time of the year we can be out and gay, because we developed trust with these specific people. Is it okay if we keep it to the existing group?" The person who wanted to bring a plus-one stopped attending, but if they had opened up the trip to anyone, most attendees would have dropped out, and it would have been the last time they did the trip. So it was good they had the conversation. They discovered something unique they got out of the gathering, whereas if all they wanted was any old trip with anyone, they could do that any time. Their connection was enhanced.
Do some prep work by designing a unique event with its own plan. When you invite people, tell them the plan and see if they're interested in attending this cool new type of gathering. If not, no problem, you'll still invite them to the next thing, but this special event is not a random hangout. We're spicing things up.
Exercising too little authority during a gathering is just as bad as the overuse of authority. A laissez-faire attitude of just letting anything happen is selfish. If your guests are bored, or wracked with social anxiety because of aimlessness, it's because there is no structure. Take responsibility for your guests having a good time. Again, structure should be within reason; it should never be because you can't take risks.
If it's a party, do some prep work to find out commonalities among party guests so you can help make connections between them. Example: Ask each guest in advance if they wish to voluntarily submit a trivia fact about themselves. Print them on slips of paper without identifying details, and hand them at random to guests during the party as a conversation starter, with instructions to ask around until they match the trivia fact to a person.
Create some kind of threshold, literal or metaphorical, ushering attendees into the event, that feels like leaving behind the day-to-day world, into the temporary world.
Don't open or close with things like parking announcements and thanking corporate sponsors and the like. Only open with something suitably ceremonious. It should make the guests feel like you are all honoring each other by being there because of how awesome they are, and, paradoxically, that they are all lucky to be there.
Well then, if you don't do it as opening or closing, when do you do it? Second to last, before the closing moment. If it's possible to put that info into the invitation, do that instead.
The closing sendoff moment should be satisfying and ceremonious too-- a moment of emotional reflection, or tying together the whole experience, or whatever relates to the mood and purpose of the event. Design that to give a sense that once more you cross a threshold, back into the world, taking something with you.
If this sounded interesting to you, I strongly recommend you read the book for more details.
If you have a clear idea of a special purpose for coming together, you can create a separate world with temporary rules that serve that purpose. The best thing you can do to help each bit of planning is to choose a purpose that is specific enough.
If you find you're not willing to change any decisions to fit that purpose, it was not your real purpose; the organizers were just trying to flatter each other. Which is nice, but whatever won out is your real purpose, so cross off the first one and write down that one. Example: An annual book festival said their purpose was "bring together the community." "Okay, before each panel, have the authors read a prompt to the audience about the topic. Each audience member will talk to the person sitting next to them about the prompt for five minutes." "No, the authors wouldn't like that." "Okay, then the authors are your real purpose. Which is enough; no need to inflate it with pomposity."
Another clue that your purpose is not specific enough, is when everyone is equally suited to attend it. Only include people who are needed for the specific thing the gathering will accomplish. It's crucial to keep people out who sap the energy from the specific plan. You can design plenty of other gatherings suitable to invite them to, for which they would not be a third wheel. Example: Some college friends in the seventies had an annual trip to the bay. One of them asked if he could invite a plus-one. Then a few of them said, "hey, you don't know this, but this is the only time of the year we can be out and gay, because we developed trust with these specific people. Is it okay if we keep it to the existing group?" The person who wanted to bring a plus-one stopped attending, but if they had opened up the trip to anyone, most attendees would have dropped out, and it would have been the last time they did the trip. So it was good they had the conversation. They discovered something unique they got out of the gathering, whereas if all they wanted was any old trip with anyone, they could do that any time. Their connection was enhanced.
Do some prep work by designing a unique event with its own plan. When you invite people, tell them the plan and see if they're interested in attending this cool new type of gathering. If not, no problem, you'll still invite them to the next thing, but this special event is not a random hangout. We're spicing things up.
Exercising too little authority during a gathering is just as bad as the overuse of authority. A laissez-faire attitude of just letting anything happen is selfish. If your guests are bored, or wracked with social anxiety because of aimlessness, it's because there is no structure. Take responsibility for your guests having a good time. Again, structure should be within reason; it should never be because you can't take risks.
If it's a party, do some prep work to find out commonalities among party guests so you can help make connections between them. Example: Ask each guest in advance if they wish to voluntarily submit a trivia fact about themselves. Print them on slips of paper without identifying details, and hand them at random to guests during the party as a conversation starter, with instructions to ask around until they match the trivia fact to a person.
Create some kind of threshold, literal or metaphorical, ushering attendees into the event, that feels like leaving behind the day-to-day world, into the temporary world.
Don't open or close with things like parking announcements and thanking corporate sponsors and the like. Only open with something suitably ceremonious. It should make the guests feel like you are all honoring each other by being there because of how awesome they are, and, paradoxically, that they are all lucky to be there.
Well then, if you don't do it as opening or closing, when do you do it? Second to last, before the closing moment. If it's possible to put that info into the invitation, do that instead.
The closing sendoff moment should be satisfying and ceremonious too-- a moment of emotional reflection, or tying together the whole experience, or whatever relates to the mood and purpose of the event. Design that to give a sense that once more you cross a threshold, back into the world, taking something with you.
If this sounded interesting to you, I strongly recommend you read the book for more details.
