The Suit Of Spades

[nemorathwald]

"Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet."
-- Desperado

This post broadly categorizes four styles of conflict resolution. Ignoring or denying it (Diamonds); sentiment without follow through (Hearts); endurance, shame, and blame (Clubs); and solving problems (Spades).

If people can be categorized into Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, and Spades, I want Spades. Bear with me for a minute.

-- PART 1: DIAMONDS ---

I almost chose to not discuss Diamonds in this article. except you would wonder why I skipped them. I wanted to skip them because you're probably over this person already. Think of your elderly relative who does not believe problems exist, unless they have seen the problem personally. They are Diamonds. They are uncomfortable admitting negative feelings exist. Diamonds are uncomfortable admitting you have unmet needs.

Here's how to be the King or Queen of Spades toward the Diamonds in your life. If you want a better connection to them (a big "if", and I am not saying you necessarily want to do this), ask for their help, by pointing out their apathy and ignorance is making it difficult to be close to them. Then, once you have done this, it is important to realize that you might not be able to be close to them. They are not putting in the work. You are putting in the work. And work is Spades.

Let's move on.

--- PART 2: HEARTS ---

We all start out in life with the ignorance and apathy of Diamonds. But if all goes well, might gain a bit of awareness, and graduate to the guilt and sentiment of Hearts. Don't get me wrong-- we all need to be able to apologize. It's good to have some humility. It's good to focus on others. But having gone through that growth, you might think you're done.

You might think you want the people in your life to be drawn from the suit of Hearts. But the suit of Spades puts in an effort. Hearts are sentiment. Love puts in the work, not just the words. Work is Spades.

You know that guy who has a lot of big talk and no follow-through? He's the King of Hearts. Follow-through is work. Work is Spades.

Any infatuation can look like a connection. So can any shiny new friendship. But it's an illusion which makes you think you understand each other. You don't; not yet. Understanding fails a lot. Then you rebuild it through the hard work of communication. Then it fails again, and you regain it, and that takes work. You just keep failing and regaining it.

But Hearts thought their passion meant it was supposed to be easy. So Hearts quit.

Love requires energy. Patience. Going to some trouble. Not just good intentions.

If you think your strength is your heart, well... in a way, it is. But look twice. I'll bet you'll find when you care for someone, it takes work to show it. And that's Spades. Sentiment is quick and easy. Love is time-consuming and challenging.

If all you have going for you is a bunch of empty promises, passionately-proclaimed... well, you've been the suit of Hearts.

The suit of Hearts is not about solving the problems of your loved ones.

It is about getting yourself off the hook.

"I consistently do not make time for you, but, but, but, I love you!"

When you hear "thoughts and prayers", and they could do something, but they don't, that's the suit of Hearts talking.

And Hearts sure do want to get the credit. But credit for what?

Credit for caring. Just caring.

Until it's unfair. Or until it's hard. That might take work. And work is Spades.

Here's how a Spade can interact with a Heart.

Try to place very little value on getting sentiments from Hearts. They will apologize and grovel before you. They will express how they didn't mean it. How sorry they feel. Ignore it. Do the emotional labor of identifying your unmet needs, and making requests in clear action language. You don't want their validation, you want their help. Their work.

--- PART 3: CLUBS ---

The Clubs are all about enduring things that are unfair and hard. But don't expect your problems to be solved. Just endured. Admittedly, the Clubs in your life are a step up from Hearts. At least Clubs are not surprised about difficulty and unfairness.

The empty talk of the Hearts was all gooey. They grow a spine and it is replaced with the threatening talk of Clubs. Clubs can occasionally get something done. (For a while.)

And just like the previous stage of growth, you might think you're done.

Clubs hope they can use fear and guilt to get their unmet needs through control. When I build connection instead of control, then you meet my needs because you like it when I'm happy. If I'm a Club, and you help me because of guilt and fear, that motive for helping me would not trouble me. It would not trouble me that you don't care whether I'm happy.

Just like the dark side of the Force, control seems faster than connection. Easier. More seductive. Clubs think the problem must be solved now. Not through patient work.

One of the reasons control does not succeed, unfortunately, is that the Club is mostly empty bluster and bravado.

Clubs don't have much energy. And what energy they do have goes to waste. They are pretty much tapped out.

And so... (here's the kicker)... those around them soon learn to see through all their empty machismo. The King and Queen and Knave of Clubs will form alliances with each other. And then they, too, will soon see past each other. "I don't have enough spoons. You do the work." "No! I'm exhausted! You do the work!" "But you're better off than I am! You do the work!" And then the accusations will fly. They'll try to control each other through guilt and fear, and turn on each other. Then they are weaker than the sum of their parts. Their social support structure falls apart and turns into a downward spiral of antagonism and failure and more antagonism and more failure.

There could have been a connection, and the hard work of clearing up misunderstandings. There could have been shared goals, and shared progress. But that would have required more than commandments.

Blame is how your brain tricks you into feeling good about leaving your problems unsolved.

Are your problems solved yet? No? Then you're not done.

Did you try to yell at someone until they solved your problems? OK. But I'll bet it failed the minute your back was turned. Right? You thought you could get it done by yelling at somebody, but you're right back where you started. You're not done.

It's unfair? I agree. It's hard, and you are in the right. You should not have to do this. But you do have to do this. Become the suit of Spades; that will make progress toward solving your problems. Not immediately, but over time.

Do you say "no it won't solve my problems?"

Despair is another trick your brain plays to feel better about leaving your problems unsolved.

Now here's how a Spade interacts with a Club.

Just like you observed Hearts and noticed the empty promises, observe Clubs and track how often they carry out their threats. I mean, threats other than just yelling some more. When you see a Club yelling, remember this: That person is exhausted. And defeated. Lacking the energy for more imaginative ways of solving their problems.

If that person is a genuine danger, you probably don't need to fight them. Find their victims. Find the people who are wandering off from the community. Form relationships with them. Gather them to you. The asshole probably has physical stuff and money and legal documents and the look of legitimacy about them. But you have the people. And the people are all that matter. You just got one hundred percent of that asshole's workforce, and now let's see what they really won. Do something awesome elsewhere with the workforce; then come back in a year or two when they have burned everything to the ground, and you can take it all back.

With work. Creation, not destruction.

What about the type of Club who is no danger at all? You see somebody asserting that they control all they survey. But with this Club, you notice it is little more than self-validation. It this a misdirected attempt at self-care, destructive to their own social support system. They will usually just vent, and then, having given themselves some compassion by venting, they will take a nap.

ln that case, just offer a glass of water, and some food. Listen to the unmet needs behind the accusations or threats or boasts. Through those needs, see if you can find a basis for negotiation.

WHATEVER YOU DO, do not shake your fist in defiance. If you shake your fist, you're trying to make them see it's not working, but you just proved it is working. Because if it were not working, you wouldn't care whether they see your defiance.

Instead, ignore what they say, and fixate instead on what they feel. Their unmet needs. Do not engage with their accusations or threats. It's a tragically misguided expression of their unmet needs. So try to act as a translator, in your own brain.

That translation, from accusations and threats, into needs, is work. That is the work of connection.

-- PART 4: SPADES ---

Most of what a Spade looks like is how they interact with the other three suits, which I have described above, but here is how to describe it directly. When Spades have a conversation, it is really about what the subject of the conversation seems to be about. They focus on unmet needs and how to meet them, problems and how to solve them.

The other three suits spend most of their energy trying to prop up their failing self-image. Even when it looks like they are talking about something else. You can distinguish that goal by noticing what outcome people get. Notice whether they are making progress towards the goal, or towards letting themselves off the hook. Diamonds prop up their self-image through denial. Hearts prop up their self-image through a focus on their inner goodness. Clubs prop up their self-image through blame-shifting and suffering.

Spades prop up their self-image through putting in work to get something to feel good about. After enough of this, it stops being a prop. Their self-image becomes a settled issue in their own brain.

They are curious about how to achieve the outcome, more than they are thinking about whether you believe they care. Spades do not let themselves off the hook. They tend to be curious about the hook they are on. What is attached to this hook? If I pull on this hook, would anything get better, or worse? Is it an opportunity? To a Spade, curiosity about being on the hook is not about what you think of them. The hook is probably an interesting opportunity.

Becoming the suit of Spades is a matter of practice. You start off thinking about a problem, but then you accidentally change the subject: you see it through the lens of how it reflects on your own self-image. So you deny. Or you let yourself off the hook with guilt and empty sentiments. Or you lash out because you're not to blame. Whatever is the easy way out. To conserve energy, your brain will do anything to make you feel good about leaving problems unsolved.

But keep practicing moving your attention back onto the unmet needs. The blade of your spade will slip back into the ground. That's not a failure, that's just how it works. Lift it again. Oops, you start thinking about excuses or blame. Don't beat yourself up over that-- it's OK, this is how it works. Lift the spade. Gravity drops it. Repeat. You're getting exercise.

And there are plenty of ways for Spades to graduate even further. I could go into Coins, then Cups, then Swords, then Wands. (None of whom you are likely to see posting to social media.) As for me, I'm struggling just to get through the first four suits. Let's walk before we run, and run before we fly.

So give me the Queen of Spades. The King of Spades. Even the Knave of Spades. We can make things better together.