Assertiveness and the Sexes
Jan. 20th, 2010 11:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nemorathwaldTwo items on the topic of assertiveness, the sexes, and success stories that aren't.
1. Clay Shirky wrote a blog post about how fewer women than men are self-aggrandizing jerks. A relevant quote:
2. After a street harassment blogathon about things guys should never do when approaching a woman in the street (after which I marveled at how sheltered I have been, that such behavior is simply unthinkable in the bubble in which I am ensconced), Fugitivus posted a list of success stories to stand in contrast.
They don't seem like success stories. The guys in these stories act like their attraction is newsworthy. These are the success stories? Some of them resulted in the woman feeling nice afterward, but who can predict whether that will happen? Context or age or sexual preference or a bad day could make the difference between whether you go on the uplifting list or the exploitative list. Factors outside of you, which you can't perceive or control, but will still be responsible for. So why do it?
Male or female, I just never approach strangers, because they have entered the coffee shop or the street or the bookstore in order to go about their business, which does not include socializing. Perhaps some strangers enjoy random human contact. I'll never know which ones.
As a strategy, UMIS (Unwanted Male Interest Syndrome) seems both unnecessary and futile. A better strategy is to do cool things in public. I deliberately put myself in positions that give strangers an excuse to approach me. (I am terrible at parties, but do well when sitting behind an official table of some kind.)
1. Put one's self in interactive contexts.
2. Befriend those with common ground.
3. ????
4. Profit!
It is unnecessary to treat 1 and 2 as if they were goal-oriented toward 3 and 4. Things lead where they are going to lead, if they are going to lead anywhere at all. Perhaps a more aggressive strategy would have gotten me all kinds of laid. But I doubt it, and I have no complaints about the frequency and quality with which I am already laid, so what would be the point?
I guess for them it really is about proving their manhood. I never thought about that kind of thing. I see no action item for me here. I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about all the catcalling. I'm not going to take on a secret identity and a costume or something and go out fighting street harassment.
1. Clay Shirky wrote a blog post about how fewer women than men are self-aggrandizing jerks. A relevant quote:
They aren’t just bad at behaving like arrogant self-aggrandizing jerks. They are bad at behaving like self-promoting narcissists, anti-social obsessives, or pompous blowhards, even a little bit, even temporarily, even when it would be in their best interests to do so. Whatever bad things you can say about those behaviors, you can’t say they are underrepresented among people who have changed the world.His blog post is full of tales of bad-faith deals, slick lies, and risks they have taken with the trust that others wrongly placed in them. He considers that praiseworthy. You can keep it, Clay.
2. After a street harassment blogathon about things guys should never do when approaching a woman in the street (after which I marveled at how sheltered I have been, that such behavior is simply unthinkable in the bubble in which I am ensconced), Fugitivus posted a list of success stories to stand in contrast.
They don't seem like success stories. The guys in these stories act like their attraction is newsworthy. These are the success stories? Some of them resulted in the woman feeling nice afterward, but who can predict whether that will happen? Context or age or sexual preference or a bad day could make the difference between whether you go on the uplifting list or the exploitative list. Factors outside of you, which you can't perceive or control, but will still be responsible for. So why do it?
Male or female, I just never approach strangers, because they have entered the coffee shop or the street or the bookstore in order to go about their business, which does not include socializing. Perhaps some strangers enjoy random human contact. I'll never know which ones.
As a strategy, UMIS (Unwanted Male Interest Syndrome) seems both unnecessary and futile. A better strategy is to do cool things in public. I deliberately put myself in positions that give strangers an excuse to approach me. (I am terrible at parties, but do well when sitting behind an official table of some kind.)
1. Put one's self in interactive contexts.
2. Befriend those with common ground.
3. ????
4. Profit!
It is unnecessary to treat 1 and 2 as if they were goal-oriented toward 3 and 4. Things lead where they are going to lead, if they are going to lead anywhere at all. Perhaps a more aggressive strategy would have gotten me all kinds of laid. But I doubt it, and I have no complaints about the frequency and quality with which I am already laid, so what would be the point?
I guess for them it really is about proving their manhood. I never thought about that kind of thing. I see no action item for me here. I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about all the catcalling. I'm not going to take on a secret identity and a costume or something and go out fighting street harassment.
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no subject
Date: 2010-01-21 05:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-23 02:00 pm (UTC)However, it's not just a matter of women being unwilling to exaggerate their talents -- women will often minimise or even omit their genuine accomplishments for fear of sounding like they're bragging, even when it's true and may generate the positive interest they're looking for. The best example from the article is the woman who said "Hey, you should write about my stuff". Clearly her work was good -- it wasn't simply an exaggeration, otherwise the writer would have ignored it over the hundreds of other people vying for attention. But the fact that no other woman was willing to bring attention to her own work, even just to say "Look at it and come to your own conclusion" is very telling of the problem.
Pardon me, Matt, while I steal your body for a comparison and contrast example between legitimate self-promotion (and the benefits it brings) and what I've seen many women do (including myself)**:
In today's over-crowded attention market -- whether that be for jobs or leisure or simply where a person ought to volunteer their time, people choose what stands out. Shirky touched on this indirectly -- clearly a person who is good *and* exaggerates will stick out above those who are only good at they do, but even raw talent has to have a way to get noticed and we need to start training women to be as willing as men to put themselves out there.
By the way, thank you, Matt, for the loan of your body....
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** exaggerated for comic effect ;)
no subject
Date: 2010-01-25 04:55 am (UTC)By the way, thank you, Matt, for the loan of your body....
Any time! I appreciate your business. Come again, tell your friends.
no subject
Date: 2010-01-21 02:11 pm (UTC)You have just gifted me with a wonderful mental picture, and thus made my morning. Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2010-01-21 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-21 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-23 12:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-21 10:57 pm (UTC)