Worshiping the Coffee Ritual

[nemorathwald]

I forgot to mention something in my journal post moments ago. I was distraught that I was scheduled to be on a panel during ConClave's coffee ritual. I wanted to find out if they truly know how to worship coffee. I may not know anything about religious parody but I know how to prepare coffee ceremoniously. I would no sooner stand for the heresy of pre-stale tinned grounds of mostly robusta than Lady Sarah would stand for the heresy of carab in the chocolate ritual. I have decided to do a coffee ritual at Penguicon... I will prepare some sacrament in advance so that the congregants can sup during the ceremonial grinding in the real honest-to-goodness coffee mill (with millstones not those awful blades that NEVER grind it right) and ceremonial brewing in the holy vaccuum French press. Other kinds of brewing are acceptable in coffee's sight, but the Barista Utopia is the holy of holies. AND! True coffee worship uses only distilled chilled water. AND! True coffee worship uses equipment that is cleaned and not gunked up with past brewings. AND! As for liquid cream instead of "That-Blasphemy-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named": how obvious even to an unbeliever! Could anything less be called coffee worship? And the people shall feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, yea verily.

Comments

Amen

[cosette-valjean.livejournal.com]

Yeah, verily, I would not miss such a rite. I can smell the sacred bean even now. ;-p

[boosterbaby.livejournal.com]

Man, this gives new meaning to "coffee snob". I love my coffee, but....

You are correct, Booster.

[matt-arnold.livejournal.com]

From some perspectives, such as Baptists, elaborate ritual is kind of the same thing as snobbery. In fact officious religious ceremonies probably grew out of the impulse to love something better than other afficianados love it. Maybe other people need Starbucks for an intermediary priesthood between you and coffee whereas I do not. ;) Ha ha! Notice that I drew a clear line where certain things like liquid creamer are fundamentals of the faith and to break them is to lose one's salvation, whereas leaving out most of what I described would fall safely within the bounds of orthodoxy. This is really an entertaining train of thought.

Re: You are correct, Booster.

[boosterbaby.livejournal.com]

And now, oh most High Priest of the Coffeebean, would you translate that into everyday English for your laypeople? ;)

You and I prove how two friends can share a common interest, but enjoy that interest in completely different ways. You get great joy from using your pure, unadulterated water, grinding your own beans, brewing it just a certain way, and adding liquid creamer to futher add to your coffee's perfection. It's all a part of your total coffee experience.

I don't have the time for all the pomp and circumstance what with three rowdy boys, a household, and a full class-schedule. I love Millstone coffee and can get it at a place that sells it by the large cup for 94 cents, so when I need a "fix," I'll grab one. I would dearly love to drink a whole pot by myself, but I shouldn't. Caffeine does rather ugly things to my nervous system. Buying one cup while I'm out keeps me from OD'ing on the stuff.

I don't know about you, but I just don't enjoy decaff quite as much. There's not much change in flavor, but getting that burst of energy from the caffeine in coffee is an essential part of the enjoyment of it.

Re: You are correct, Booster.

[matt-arnold.livejournal.com]

The reason you and I enjoy interests differenly is that I am a geek. However, I seldom get the full experience unless I'm in a coffee shop with a barista doing it for me. (Barista means a coffee bartender.) At home I prefer 8o'clock brand whole beans because it's good and inexpensive, although I often splurge on Starbucks and Caribou whole beans. The one extravagant thing that I do regularly is grind my own coffee. The difference in fresh-ground aroma and flavor is undeniable. Back when I used a bladed chopper I would take two or three minutes to pick out the big fragments one at a time, that it had left insufficiently chopped. Then I would grind them again. Now that's an obsessed geek! My $100 adjustable mill grinder gets every grain the same size for perfect flavor extraction. I don't regard liquid creamer as an extravagance though-- it's the bare minimum. Non-dairy powder is ruins the drink. There, that is the lay translation.

[bluehamster98.livejournal.com]

Hehehe... count me in. :)

-Karen

[sothisislife.livejournal.com]

I only have an ordinary French press coffee maker, I didn't know there were vacuum ones! :)

[bluehamster98.livejournal.com]

We were discussing it at MOFO last night, and it turns out that the barista utopia (the coffee maker in question) resides mainly inside Starbucks locations.

The barista utopia, according to the link Matt provided, retails in the US for $170. A cost prohibitive unless you REALLY love coffee... which I'm sure Matt does, judging by this entry and conversation at MOFO. :)

But where to get one... hmmmm. Knowing the internet, it shouldn't be too hard...

====
In a discussion between Matt and Bill for ConFusion's Cafe Penguicon:

"We had good coffee at Cafe PenguiCon... but I want luxuuuurious coffe."

"Ok, but there's only one problem with that-"

"Paid for... by me."

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We were discussing it at MOFO last night, and it turns out that the barista utopia (the coffee maker in question) resides mainly inside Starbucks locations.

The barista utopia, according to the link Matt provided, retails in the US for $170. A cost prohibitive unless you REALLY love coffee... which I'm sure Matt does, judging by this entry and conversation at MOFO. :)

But where to get one... hmmmm. Knowing the internet, it shouldn't be too hard...

====
In a discussion between Matt and Bill for ConFusion's Cafe Penguicon:

"We had good coffee at Cafe PenguiCon... but I want luxuuuurious coffe."

"Ok, but there's only one problem with that-"

"Paid for... by me." <insert a devilish grin on Matt's part and a folding of the hands together>

"Well, then, by all means go for it."

Then there was a discussion on how people could get the luxurious coffee. Interesting ideas abounded. One of which was putting the coffee in the back room at ConFusion's Cafe PenguiCon for people pre-registered for PenguiCon, which was done for the luxurious fudge at ConClave's Cafe PenguiCon.

Now I'm looking forward to the luxuuuuurious coffee. 'Specially since it'll be January. lol :)

-Karen

[matt-arnold.livejournal.com]

Where to get one is not a difficult problem. Walk into most Starbucks and look for the light blue box/es on the floor. When to get one is the question. They usually go on sale for $100 one or two times a year. Will you all help me keep an eye out, and let me know?
You have to see this thing work to know why it's so appropriate for a ceremonial ritual. Watching the water mysteriously suck up to the top chamber in the transparent hourglass of this SF-looking device, and back down to the bottom chamber as coffee, imparts a geeky coolness factor to the brewing. But most important is the effect the process has on the extraction of potent flavor with fewer bitter oils.
Now I have to invent the ceremonial garb for this religion. Something... Monty Pythonish.

[boosterbaby.livejournal.com]

"Now I have to invent the ceremonial garb for this religion. Something... Monty Pythonish."

(laughing) Now this I have to see! Actually why couldn't you adapt your monk outfit from a past Penguicon? You'd have to dress it up just a little bit, but it could be made to look like a ceremonial robe.

[matt-arnold.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestion, but I no longer have access to the nativity scene that I got the burlap robe from. Besides, it's too ascetic. Did you see the photo on my website of the Pope blessing Tux the penguin? I might buy that costume from him and modify it. It needs to have a Barista apron for one thing. Perhaps I could make the circular Starbucks logo into a fabulous Pope headress with a mermaid on it. Something truly ridiculous!

[boosterbaby.livejournal.com]

Oooo! I'd forgotten about the Pope outfit. Good idea! That would be fairly easy to adapt. The most work would be on the hat, but you could pull it off.