Cthulhu Evangelical Tract
Jul. 6th, 2004 01:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nemorathwaldIt's tragic that Jack Chick (creator of those comic-book evangelical tracts) has taken legal action to successfully pressure the creator of the parody Cthulhu tract "Who Will Be Eaten First" into taking down the online comic. When [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] first brought it to my attention, I liked it so much I published it in paper form in the hopes of possibly slipping it into the Chick tracts at my parents house.
Jesus and Cthulhu have this in common: you are presented with a vision of a 2,000 foot tall Jesus parting the clouds to take away everyone you love so you will be "Left Behind." You could "get saved" later, you are told, but you'd have to go through the tribulation and be executed by the Antichrist before going to heaven. Wouldn't you rather be raptured first? Christians who look forward to the rapture never seem to realize that rapture is the end of life on earth just as much as physically dying. I and some of my peers used to say we hoped the rapture didn't happen until after we got married and lived something of a life. This was because Rapture = Death. 'Who will be eaten first" doesn't sound so implausible a question in this light.
The lesson of this parody is that threats can be groundless and still effective, as long as they stimulate people's over-active imaginations. All it takes in these tracts is just to hear something from a character who looks credible. No reasons, no proof, the skeptical characters just succomb and believe from nothing but an effectively chilling campfire story or a glurgy sentimental tale that sounds like it's straight out of a chain e-mail.
Fortunately Eric S. Raymond preserved the cartoon on the web in Armed and Dangerous, demonstrating once again why I like him. In the interests of redundantly preserving "Who Will Be Eaten First", here is a text script of the cartoon.
1. CAPTION: One day, while sitting in a cafe...
SAINTLY WHITE-HAIRED MINISTER: "George, it's vital that you make the right decision before you die."
2. SINFUL, SCORNFUL UNBELIEVER: "You're gonna say I have to choose between God and the Devil, right?"
MINISTER: "WRONG!"
3. MINISTER: "The stars are right! The Elder Gods are going to rise and eat us all!"
CAPTION: "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu lies dreaming." - H.P. Lovecraft
4. CAPTION: Soon the evil spawn, who had slept for eons... will awaken to clear the earth of man!
DRAWING: Cthulhu's tentacled face
CAPTION: "That is not dead which can eternal lie... And with strange aeons even death may die." - H.P.L.
5. MINISTER: "NO ONE will be saved! EVERYONE will die and mankind itself will come to a horrible end!"
CAPTION: "I shall never sleep calmly again when I think of the horrors that lurk ceaselessly behind life in time and in space, and of those unhallowed blasphemies from elder stars that dream beneath the sea..." HPL
6. CAPTION: Soon the seas will turn red with the blood of the human race, as the unspeakable terrors come from beyond the gate, which is Yog Sothoth, to devour all in their path! la! Shub Niggurath! la! la!
DRAWING: A crowd of people falling off of a cliff
7. UNBELIEVER: "So if we're all gonna die, what difference does it make? Who cares? Nothing I can do about it..."
"or is there?"
8. MINISTER: "You're right George... It's hopeless. But there is one thing we can hope for..."
DRAWING: old man wreathed in Jack Chick's dramatic backlighting
MINISTER: "TO BE EATEN FIRST!"
9. UNBELIEVER: "BE EATEN FIRST?!"
"What the #### kind of advantage is that?"
"Give me one good reason why I would WANT to be eaten first!"
"ONE GOOD REASON!"
10. MINISTER: "Do you really want to stick around and watch the entire world be destroyed by evil creatures from beyond Hell?"
UNBELIEVER: "Not really..."
11. DRAWING: typical Jack Chick repentant posture
UNBELIEVER: "Oh God... you're right... I don't want to see it all end!"
"I want to be eaten quickly!"
"What do I have to do to make my death a swift one?"
12. CAPTION: You must worship and sacrifice at the altar to appease the appetites of the Elder Gods! Then you may hope for a fast death!
DRUID STABBING WITH KNIFE: "Ph'nglul mglw'nath Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagnl"
INFANT: "WAAAHH"
RELUCTANT DRUID: "Gasp... This can't be!"
OTHER DRUIDS: "CTHULHU FHTAGN!"
13. CAPTION: Chant invocations from the NECRONOMICON, the book of dead names written by the Mad Monk, Abdul Alhazred!
DRAWING: Necronomicon
14. CAPTION: Only then... on the dreaded day when they rise... Will you be eaten first!
DRAWING: Cthulhu rising from the Pacific Ocean eating people, presumably you
15. SALVATION PRAYER PAGE:
The Elder Gods are coming and everyone is doomed!
You might as well party and do all the #### you were always afraid to do!
NOBODY CAN SAVE YOU.
WE WILL ALL BE EATEN.
If you start to have dreams about cities where the geometry is all wrong and get inspired to make wierd sculptures, do it!
1. Don't worry about going mad. There's no avoiding it.
2. Be prepared for horrible visions and creatures that will chill you to the bone!
3. Remember... Yog Sothoth is the gate!
WHAT TO SAY:
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
If you have done all this, and you go completely mad... the Elder Gods will eat you first! Or maybe not... maybe they'll torture you in their dank and rotting lairs... but you won't care by then because you'll be insane! A shell of a human being! BWA HA HA HA HA!
Just remember...
That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die.
Help another person go mad with the knowledge of horrible evil! Get them this book:
DRAWING: Necronomicon
Jesus and Cthulhu have this in common: you are presented with a vision of a 2,000 foot tall Jesus parting the clouds to take away everyone you love so you will be "Left Behind." You could "get saved" later, you are told, but you'd have to go through the tribulation and be executed by the Antichrist before going to heaven. Wouldn't you rather be raptured first? Christians who look forward to the rapture never seem to realize that rapture is the end of life on earth just as much as physically dying. I and some of my peers used to say we hoped the rapture didn't happen until after we got married and lived something of a life. This was because Rapture = Death. 'Who will be eaten first" doesn't sound so implausible a question in this light.
The lesson of this parody is that threats can be groundless and still effective, as long as they stimulate people's over-active imaginations. All it takes in these tracts is just to hear something from a character who looks credible. No reasons, no proof, the skeptical characters just succomb and believe from nothing but an effectively chilling campfire story or a glurgy sentimental tale that sounds like it's straight out of a chain e-mail.
Fortunately Eric S. Raymond preserved the cartoon on the web in Armed and Dangerous, demonstrating once again why I like him. In the interests of redundantly preserving "Who Will Be Eaten First", here is a text script of the cartoon.
1. CAPTION: One day, while sitting in a cafe...
SAINTLY WHITE-HAIRED MINISTER: "George, it's vital that you make the right decision before you die."
2. SINFUL, SCORNFUL UNBELIEVER: "You're gonna say I have to choose between God and the Devil, right?"
MINISTER: "WRONG!"
3. MINISTER: "The stars are right! The Elder Gods are going to rise and eat us all!"
CAPTION: "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu lies dreaming." - H.P. Lovecraft
4. CAPTION: Soon the evil spawn, who had slept for eons... will awaken to clear the earth of man!
DRAWING: Cthulhu's tentacled face
CAPTION: "That is not dead which can eternal lie... And with strange aeons even death may die." - H.P.L.
5. MINISTER: "NO ONE will be saved! EVERYONE will die and mankind itself will come to a horrible end!"
CAPTION: "I shall never sleep calmly again when I think of the horrors that lurk ceaselessly behind life in time and in space, and of those unhallowed blasphemies from elder stars that dream beneath the sea..." HPL
6. CAPTION: Soon the seas will turn red with the blood of the human race, as the unspeakable terrors come from beyond the gate, which is Yog Sothoth, to devour all in their path! la! Shub Niggurath! la! la!
DRAWING: A crowd of people falling off of a cliff
7. UNBELIEVER: "So if we're all gonna die, what difference does it make? Who cares? Nothing I can do about it..."
"or is there?"
8. MINISTER: "You're right George... It's hopeless. But there is one thing we can hope for..."
DRAWING: old man wreathed in Jack Chick's dramatic backlighting
MINISTER: "TO BE EATEN FIRST!"
9. UNBELIEVER: "BE EATEN FIRST?!"
"What the #### kind of advantage is that?"
"Give me one good reason why I would WANT to be eaten first!"
"ONE GOOD REASON!"
10. MINISTER: "Do you really want to stick around and watch the entire world be destroyed by evil creatures from beyond Hell?"
UNBELIEVER: "Not really..."
11. DRAWING: typical Jack Chick repentant posture
UNBELIEVER: "Oh God... you're right... I don't want to see it all end!"
"I want to be eaten quickly!"
"What do I have to do to make my death a swift one?"
12. CAPTION: You must worship and sacrifice at the altar to appease the appetites of the Elder Gods! Then you may hope for a fast death!
DRUID STABBING WITH KNIFE: "Ph'nglul mglw'nath Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagnl"
INFANT: "WAAAHH"
RELUCTANT DRUID: "Gasp... This can't be!"
OTHER DRUIDS: "CTHULHU FHTAGN!"
13. CAPTION: Chant invocations from the NECRONOMICON, the book of dead names written by the Mad Monk, Abdul Alhazred!
DRAWING: Necronomicon
14. CAPTION: Only then... on the dreaded day when they rise... Will you be eaten first!
DRAWING: Cthulhu rising from the Pacific Ocean eating people, presumably you
15. SALVATION PRAYER PAGE:
The Elder Gods are coming and everyone is doomed!
You might as well party and do all the #### you were always afraid to do!
NOBODY CAN SAVE YOU.
WE WILL ALL BE EATEN.
If you start to have dreams about cities where the geometry is all wrong and get inspired to make wierd sculptures, do it!
1. Don't worry about going mad. There's no avoiding it.
2. Be prepared for horrible visions and creatures that will chill you to the bone!
3. Remember... Yog Sothoth is the gate!
WHAT TO SAY:
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
If you have done all this, and you go completely mad... the Elder Gods will eat you first! Or maybe not... maybe they'll torture you in their dank and rotting lairs... but you won't care by then because you'll be insane! A shell of a human being! BWA HA HA HA HA!
Just remember...
That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die.
Help another person go mad with the knowledge of horrible evil! Get them this book:
DRAWING: Necronomicon
