Most of this is inspired by the book "Non Violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. The Dr. Nerdlove article on this subject is also fantastic.
My thesis statement is definitely not that I need to learn to feel shame. It's not constructive for those around me. It would lead only to defensiveness or paralysis. Or I would annoy the person I hurt by seeking forgiveness first, rather than actually solving the problem.
My actual premise is that I am trying to understand others, and recognize when this counter-productive cycle is happening. I would love to find better ways to distract someone else off of their shame, away from their defensiveness, and away from getting my forgiveness, and onto solving problems and creating cool projects.
I use a couple of useful definitions for shame. Shame is a reduction in self-image and a blow to the ego. Notice it is not a desire to do something good for others, or avoid harm to others. There is this illusion that shame is a form of love for others, but it's not. Love is desire to help someone. Desire is about opportunity; shame is about obligation. I define shame as losing sight of harm-avoidance and goal-seeking, and re-focusing onto one's self.
I do good things for others and avoid doing things that hurt them, when I like them. Now you might ask what difference my motives make as long as the actions are the same. Why not use threats to make people behave? Because, if I do good things because I'm afraid of you, or for my own self-image as a good person, then it wouldn't work well because I would be all focused on myself.
As much as possible, I'm trying to see all situations through a lens that replaces the shame motive with the motive of seeking goals and meeting needs. That is to say-- a lens that replaces obligations with opportunities. Let's practice right now. You said you understand it's not my job to explain myself to you. I wrote this whole essay not as a job, but because I had a goal-- to be understood. So I see explaining myself to you not as an obligation, but an opportunity.
When I hurt others, I don't want to feel shame; I want others to succeed, and therefore, I don't feel shame when I hurt them any more than when I fail at anything else. Instead what I try to do is in this order:
First, I express sympathy without seeking to restore the relationship. Second, I carefully describe the cause and effect relationship between my actions and their problem, and I ask them if that's accurate. Third, I get to work fixing the actual problem.
After that, they may-- or may not-- seek to restore the relationship with me. I can't get too hung up on pressuring them to restore the relationship before they're ready, or the whole process fails. Nobody likes it when someone is just trying to get off the hook. The hook is shame, and shame is beside the point.
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Date: 2016-09-27 12:47 pm (UTC)My thesis statement is definitely not that I need to learn to feel shame. It's not constructive for those around me. It would lead only to defensiveness or paralysis. Or I would annoy the person I hurt by seeking forgiveness first, rather than actually solving the problem.
My actual premise is that I am trying to understand others, and recognize when this counter-productive cycle is happening. I would love to find better ways to distract someone else off of their shame, away from their defensiveness, and away from getting my forgiveness, and onto solving problems and creating cool projects.
I use a couple of useful definitions for shame. Shame is a reduction in self-image and a blow to the ego. Notice it is not a desire to do something good for others, or avoid harm to others. There is this illusion that shame is a form of love for others, but it's not. Love is desire to help someone. Desire is about opportunity; shame is about obligation. I define shame as losing sight of harm-avoidance and goal-seeking, and re-focusing onto one's self.
I do good things for others and avoid doing things that hurt them, when I like them. Now you might ask what difference my motives make as long as the actions are the same. Why not use threats to make people behave? Because, if I do good things because I'm afraid of you, or for my own self-image as a good person, then it wouldn't work well because I would be all focused on myself.
As much as possible, I'm trying to see all situations through a lens that replaces the shame motive with the motive of seeking goals and meeting needs. That is to say-- a lens that replaces obligations with opportunities. Let's practice right now. You said you understand it's not my job to explain myself to you. I wrote this whole essay not as a job, but because I had a goal-- to be understood. So I see explaining myself to you not as an obligation, but an opportunity.
When I hurt others, I don't want to feel shame; I want others to succeed, and therefore, I don't feel shame when I hurt them any more than when I fail at anything else. Instead what I try to do is in this order:
First, I express sympathy without seeking to restore the relationship.
Second, I carefully describe the cause and effect relationship between my actions and their problem, and I ask them if that's accurate.
Third, I get to work fixing the actual problem.
After that, they may-- or may not-- seek to restore the relationship with me. I can't get too hung up on pressuring them to restore the relationship before they're ready, or the whole process fails. Nobody likes it when someone is just trying to get off the hook. The hook is shame, and shame is beside the point.