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The book "Non Violent Communication" describes going through three phases. The first is a phase of dependency and people-pleasing. Basically having weak boundaries.
So you enter the second phase, which is autonomous inflexibility. Up until that point you were a people-pleaser, so you got very little practice at figuring out the when and where and why to have boundaries. So now everything's just a boundary. You decide in isolation what that will look like, without communication, and declare it unilaterally. There's not much relating.
To be clear: if that's what you want to do, then do it. You're just not relating. And that's fine; you don't always want to relate to everyone, or at all times.
The inflexible phase feels insecure. Sometimes the act of asking another person what they want, feels threatening. Hearing them out, feels threatening like a surrender, like a violation.
This phase is a step up from people-pleasing, so be kind to yourself. Relating needs to take a back seat, while one weans one's self off of people-pleasing. The inflexible person is busy training themselves to not buckle to shame and fear.
As you gain practice at figuring out the when and where and why to choose your boundaries and compromises, you gradually enter the third phase. You go from dependence, to independence, to inter-dependence. It's oriented toward your own goals for compassion toward those who you have chosen. Not oriented around shame or fear. Oriented around your own goals for connection, and seeking out where that might overlap with another person's goals for connection.
Here's how that works. What you are doing is two negotiations. One is between your desires and the other person's desires. The other negotiation is between two drives within you, the drive for connection and the drive for autonomy.
I like to take this negotiation literally. I make deals with myself. The "characters" (my conflicting tendencies) are sitting at a negotiating table. I know they like each other, because I'm my own friend and I get along with myself. Sometimes I make mistakes, so I'm not quick to trust just one character and always distrust all the other characters. I roll my eyes at myself when one character gets on a tear, but come on man, this is your loved one you're talking about here, this is your SELF.
One character NEVER wants to go camping; he wants to spend that time recording podcasts. Another really wants to be close to the people who invited me to go camping, and has problems with procrastinating my podcasts. And you know what? I need both of them. So I make up a dialog where they are asking things from each other and striking deals, and hash out a compromise that works for all of them.
So you enter the second phase, which is autonomous inflexibility. Up until that point you were a people-pleaser, so you got very little practice at figuring out the when and where and why to have boundaries. So now everything's just a boundary. You decide in isolation what that will look like, without communication, and declare it unilaterally. There's not much relating.
To be clear: if that's what you want to do, then do it. You're just not relating. And that's fine; you don't always want to relate to everyone, or at all times.
The inflexible phase feels insecure. Sometimes the act of asking another person what they want, feels threatening. Hearing them out, feels threatening like a surrender, like a violation.
This phase is a step up from people-pleasing, so be kind to yourself. Relating needs to take a back seat, while one weans one's self off of people-pleasing. The inflexible person is busy training themselves to not buckle to shame and fear.
As you gain practice at figuring out the when and where and why to choose your boundaries and compromises, you gradually enter the third phase. You go from dependence, to independence, to inter-dependence. It's oriented toward your own goals for compassion toward those who you have chosen. Not oriented around shame or fear. Oriented around your own goals for connection, and seeking out where that might overlap with another person's goals for connection.
Here's how that works. What you are doing is two negotiations. One is between your desires and the other person's desires. The other negotiation is between two drives within you, the drive for connection and the drive for autonomy.
I like to take this negotiation literally. I make deals with myself. The "characters" (my conflicting tendencies) are sitting at a negotiating table. I know they like each other, because I'm my own friend and I get along with myself. Sometimes I make mistakes, so I'm not quick to trust just one character and always distrust all the other characters. I roll my eyes at myself when one character gets on a tear, but come on man, this is your loved one you're talking about here, this is your SELF.
One character NEVER wants to go camping; he wants to spend that time recording podcasts. Another really wants to be close to the people who invited me to go camping, and has problems with procrastinating my podcasts. And you know what? I need both of them. So I make up a dialog where they are asking things from each other and striking deals, and hash out a compromise that works for all of them.
