There's Always That One Person

Instead of conversations consistently going like this:
"Did you hear? I'm moving into an apartment which has a ferret. Which is great because I've wanted a ferret for many years."
"That's nice, too bad about the smell though."

I would like conversations to go like this:
"Did you hear? I'm moving into an apartment which has a ferret. His name is Shutupaboutthesmell."
"I might never speak again in my life, because you took away the only thing in the world that there is to say."

And on that note, here is an excerpt from a Dane Cook comedy sketch.

Sometimes you'd say, "Oh, I'd love to have a monkey," and there's always that one anti-monkey person in the area. They overhear you: "Excuse me, I heard you saying you'd like to have a monkey, and that's a horrible idea. You do not want a monkey. You do not want a monkey."

They're a monkey expert, and they start listing off all the reasons you can't have a monkey. "Let me tell you a few things-- Can I just have a minute-- Can I have a minute? Can I just explain a few things about monkeys that maybe you dont know before you jump to your conclusion? OK? It's more than just bananas and dancing with tooth brushes, OK?

"First of all, they crap in their own hands, and they throw it around in a festive manner-- like they're at a celebration of monkey poop-- and they make faces that are unacceptable in society--"

I hear these things and I'm like "That's why I want a monkey! All those reasons! I don't want a nice quiet monkey, I want an evil monkey that I can dress in armor, give him a sword and have fights with him inside my place." How pumped would you be driving home from work knowing someplace in your house there's a monkey you're gonna battle! That's awesome!