The ideas you're describing seem sound and reasonable.
However, the item that seems to be missing from this essay is accounting for feelings. What they are as an internal experience, and compassion for that, and realizing that most of the time people who are pushing a shame agenda aren't aware of that perspective on their behavior.
All they know is that they feel negatively. Attempts to address that using shame are reflexive rather than calculated.
That surprise you mention your recent awareness of might turn out to be a useful thing, since it's a easy point at which to break the reflexive movement.
Whoever is addressing you in such a way is likely - based on what I've seen/experienced - seeking one of two things.
One of those things is compassion - as in, pay attention to me, show me you like me, confirm that you understand where I'm coming from or at least want to - which also lets you know that you are in a position to show them that they are not alone when they are in your company. Which arguably is one of the potential real messages in that. That's the friendlier version, the non-malignant possibility.
The other thing they might be seeking is power - as in, if I can show myself that I can strongly affect another person based on nothing more than my selfhood and proximity to them, that proves for a moment that I am not nothing, and proves that there are things in the world that I can push for control on and win. Maybe if the deck is really stacked in my favor, I might be able to gain an ongoing support structure in the form of lackeys who respond to my needs with small (or large) offers of bond-servant-hood. (Unfortunately I've known at least two or three too many people with that as a source of inspiration.) Think politics and/or religion on this one.
In any case, it's awfully difficult to address any emotional issue adequately without bringing the actual emotional experience into the discussion.
I'm not asking you to lose any self worth points about that, in case there was any question; it's just a point that I think is worth thinking about in relation to this topic.
no subject
However, the item that seems to be missing from this essay is accounting for feelings. What they are as an internal experience, and compassion for that, and realizing that most of the time people who are pushing a shame agenda aren't aware of that perspective on their behavior.
All they know is that they feel negatively. Attempts to address that using shame are reflexive rather than calculated.
That surprise you mention your recent awareness of might turn out to be a useful thing, since it's a easy point at which to break the reflexive movement.
Whoever is addressing you in such a way is likely - based on what I've seen/experienced - seeking one of two things.
One of those things is compassion - as in, pay attention to me, show me you like me, confirm that you understand where I'm coming from or at least want to - which also lets you know that you are in a position to show them that they are not alone when they are in your company. Which arguably is one of the potential real messages in that. That's the friendlier version, the non-malignant possibility.
The other thing they might be seeking is power - as in, if I can show myself that I can strongly affect another person based on nothing more than my selfhood and proximity to them, that proves for a moment that I am not nothing, and proves that there are things in the world that I can push for control on and win. Maybe if the deck is really stacked in my favor, I might be able to gain an ongoing support structure in the form of lackeys who respond to my needs with small (or large) offers of bond-servant-hood. (Unfortunately I've known at least two or three too many people with that as a source of inspiration.) Think politics and/or religion on this one.
In any case, it's awfully difficult to address any emotional issue adequately without bringing the actual emotional experience into the discussion.
I'm not asking you to lose any self worth points about that, in case there was any question; it's just a point that I think is worth thinking about in relation to this topic.